


I didn't want to go

by MarvelKat



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Introspection, IronDad and SpiderSon, Mild Comfort, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-01
Updated: 2019-05-01
Packaged: 2020-02-10 18:15:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18665746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarvelKat/pseuds/MarvelKat
Summary: Tony Stark didn't invent time travel just for him.But it still hurts.





	I didn't want to go

**Author's Note:**

> Just a short drabble I've had on my mind. I'm pretty sure I've tagged it properly but just in case: this is indeed a super spoilers fic.

_Tony Stark invented time travel for you._

It’s not true. Peter knows it isn’t.

There are billions of people out there, safe in the arms of their loved ones. _Trillions_ of beings, creatures, all forms of life, all back for another day, another chance. Because one man couldn’t leave well enough alone.

Not when he knew he could make it better.

Tony Stark didn’t invent time travel to save Peter Parker. _I lost the kid,_ Captain America had told him he’d said, with an old man’s glass smile and far-away gaze, but Tony had gained his own kid too—his own flesh and blood, because Tony Stark was a _father,_ after all this time.

Peter had been there that day, the day of his proposal.

Tony Stark didn’t invent time travel because he needed Peter Parker, either. Tony Stark wasn’t selfish. But there were billions of people in the world, billions who had lost mothers, and fathers, daughters and brothers and lovers—Tony Stark was the most generous person Peter had ever known. He’d simply figured out a way to give people back their _lives._

He just couldn’t help but give his own one last time, too.

Tony Stark didn’t invent time travel because he couldn’t live without Peter Parker, too. Peter—Peter truly _hadn’t_ been able to live without Tony, because without Tony Peter wouldn’t be alive again in the first place. Tony had a life without Peter, continued to live after Peter was gone, and all Peter wanted was his mentor back, someone who might be able to tell him: _how?_

How was Peter supposed to follow his example, follow his lead, if Tony went somewhere he couldn’t go?

Tony Stark didn’t invent time travel for Peter Parker. It’s simply not true. He did it because he was a hero: a good guy, through and through. He did it because he saw pain, he saw misery, he saw a broken world with hope frayed at the seams and thought: _I can fix that._

He was a mechanic, after all, and fixing things was what he did.

But it didn’t make the ache go away.

Maybe Tony Stark didn’t invent time travel for him. Maybe Tony Stark didn’t go back in time, with some half-baked plan to save him. Maybe he didn’t face down Thanos just to see him. Maybe he didn’t snap his fingers because of him.

It didn’t make his guilt any less.

Would it have mattered, if he had? If Tony had done it all for him, could he have smiled, could he have laughed, could he have said: _It’s fine Mr. Stark, I’m all good!_

Could he have taken back his words, or told him: _Of course I didn’t want to go…_

_But I wanted you to stay._

And does it matter, now, for Peter to carry on without him? Does it matter if he does anything, if he tries to be smarter, faster, stronger—if he tries to be better, how could he ever possibly be better than him?

And when Tony’s heart drifts off, when they say their farewells and watch it glide out on the lake, Peter can’t pull his gaze away. He watches until it’s gone—further, further, until it’s somewhere he can’t see—and breathes through the single ripple that extends out, when his heart finally slips and sinks.

Somehow, Peter is supposed to find peace.

Later, Pepper finds him in the kitchen, standing alone by the sink. Happy is sitting outside with Morgan, staunchly looking after Tony’s child. Peter knows he could never change that. He could never replace Tony’s child.

Pepper runs a hand through his hair, and Peter’s tears finally break.

He could never replace Tony’s child, but—he was still Tony’s _kid._

Maybe Pepper knows this. Maybe this is why she’s so quiet, why she holds him. He cries into her shoulder until he can hardly breathe—and that scares him, it will always scare him—and she rubs soothing circles into his back. It’s not awkward, and it still reminds him of Mr. Stark.

When he finally pulls away, Pepper swipes at the stray tears that stain his cheek. She pauses for a moment, glances behind him, and reaches for a shelf.

When she hands him a framed photograph, Peter can recognize it vividly, even through his tears. She smiles at him, fragile and cracked, worn and warm all at once, and says, “He was always looking out for you.”

She doesn’t say it, but Peter knows where this photograph was kept. She doesn’t say it, but Peter hears it. He hears the _he would have moved mountains for you,_ the same way he sees the smudged fingerprints along the glass, around the frame, under his framed cheek, and feels how they all spell it out.

_He loved you._

Peter runs his fingers over the glass, and leaves a smudge under Tony’s cheek. He clutches at the frame and thinks desperately how maybe Mr. Stark didn’t save the universe just for him.

But Peter knows, without a doubt, that he was the spark that brought it all back.

**Author's Note:**

> Endgame hurt me, but now I also have True Fear for Far From Home. Help??
> 
> Also I promised myself my first fic post would be AvAc fluff but.... Anyways.... Fix-its, anyone?


End file.
